Hard Truths
It can be quite easy for someone who’s manipulative. They’ll make you the problem and convince you that the problem is coming from you. We’re unwilling to revise our image of this person and of this relationship. Those emotions are exactly what got us into this situation in the first place.
In an argument, they look to inflict damage, not solve problems. It’s like scorpion mode; they sting when they feel insecure. Instead of expressing vulnerability, they make it a fight, engaging in one-upmanship or revenge. It’s about inflicting damage, not solving problems.
They treat everything as an attack, even civil discussions. You may find yourself afraid to bring up problems, treading on eggshells. A healthy relationship with constructive criticism is crucial; otherwise, the dynamic becomes toxic.
They make you the root of all evil, avoiding admitting fault. They convince you that the problem is coming from you, making you believe things are your fault that have nothing to do with you.
They show the most love when you’re hurt. In toxic relationships, they’ll accuse, cut, and hurt you. When you’re at your lowest, they switch to showing love because they feel it’s safe to do so when you’re weak.
They belittle your ambitions, make you feel unworthy, and can’t celebrate your achievements. Toxic people find problems even in your success, creating a negative environment.
Our emotions get heavily involved with people close to us. At some point, we need to recognize when we’ve given numerous opportunities for change and it hasn’t happened. The source of the problem might shift from them to us, requiring hard decisions.
You’ve likely been through every emotion with this person. Empirically ask yourself if this person has ever changed or if it’s a repeatable pattern. Holding onto hope that a new reaction will change them is likely futile.
The Danger of Empathy in a Toxic Relationship
Empathy can be dangerous in toxic relationships. It can make us excuse bad behavior and tolerate things we shouldn’t. Recognizing when empathy becomes a surrogate for action is crucial.
While it’s important to be there for others, your priority should always be to ensure you’re okay. Empathy should not come at the detriment of your well-being.
Listen to your resentment but be impatient with your complaining. Resentment signals something is wrong, but complaining becomes a passive outlet that doesn’t lead to change.
Take complaints and convert them into standards and boundaries. Make your complaints actionable by implementing new standards and boundaries in the relationship.
Implementing new boundaries and standards may not feel good initially. You might feel shame, guilt, or fear. Remind yourself that these emotions got you into the toxic situation, and change is necessary.
Doing what’s right for you allows you to give real love authentically. Freeing yourself from compulsive giving lets you love from a pure place. The relationship will reveal its true nature—either worth keeping or never as valuable as you thought.
