KEY POINTS.
- We determine our personal and societal worth by comparing ourselves to others.
- Keeping track of how much sex we have is essential in transactional relationships.
- In interpersonal connections, sex is negotiated rather than exchanged, therefore there is no need to “sexaggerate.”
The term “sexaggeration” describes why we often believe that others have more sex than we do. You’re having a conversation with a bunch of your close friends when someone mentions that they have sex five or six times per week. “How about you?” they inquired. What are you doing?
- You could not respond, but that may not be appropriate in this context of being with intimate friends.
- You could tell the truth, which is unlikely to occur more than five or six times every week. The average is estimated to be once or twice every week.
- You could lie and claim to be doing the same or more than others.
Many of us will be tempted to lie, “rounding up” the genuine figure and ignoring instances when we are not having much sex for various reasons. This produces what Reid refers to as the “inflationary effect.” If you “round up” to five or six times, others will probably believe they are having less sex than you when the issue comes up again. You can see where this is going: everyone is lying. And we all believe we’re failing sexually.
What Does the Data Tell Us?
In a 2016 study on misperceptions, Ipsos, a worldwide market research and public opinion organization, asked respondents in Britain and America to guess how frequently adults aged 18 to 29 had sex. Here’s what they discovered about people’s perceptions of others’ sexual encounters.
- People believed that young men in both countries had sex 14 times in the previous month. The exact number is five in Britain and four in America.
- Men believe women have an enormous quantity of sex—22 times a month in Britain and 23 times a month in America. It occurs roughly five times every month in each country.
Why do we compare?
Why are we so concerned with what others think about our sex lives? The amount of sex she has serves as a wellness check for marriage. There is a general belief that the amount of sex you have is directly proportional to how satisfied you are with your spouse. Admitting you had a sexless week is daunting.
According to Leon Festinger’s social comparison theory, people evaluate their own personal and social worth by comparing it to that of others. We often unconsciously compare our relationships to others in our social circles, such as friends, coworkers, celebrities, and so on. Comparing the amount of sex we have may help us determine whether we are receiving what we want out of a relationship.
Comparing our sex lives to those of others is especially important if you view your relationship as transactional, with keeping score being the primary way we judge the relationship. This is the belief that marital relations are predicated on each partner meeting the other’s needs in a “quid pro quo” arrangement. You work to meet my self-identified needs, while I work to meet yours.
This comparison can help you determine if your partnership is fulfilling your sexual needs on a consistent basis. This is known as the social exchange theory of relationships, or the contract model of marriage.
At the heart of the marriage contract, which is not always legally agreed upon but can be implied, is receiving something considered equal in exchange for what you offer. This means that spouses contribute to the relationship (doing chores, having sex, cooking supper, mowing the lawn, caring for children, etc.) and expect to receive something of similar value in exchange. This is predicated on the perspective that we are motivated by self-interest (i.e., we prioritize “number one”).
According to psychologist John Gottman, a well-known marriage researcher, this type of “unspoken contract” in a marriage is fraught with animosity since each partner is consciously or unconsciously keeping score. He claims that happy marriages do not include 50-50 trades.
By the way, psychologists began using the term “need” instead of “wants, desires, and preferences” in the middle of the twentieth century because it matched with the prevailing belief at the time that we are all driven primarily (or mostly) by self-interest. As a result, a “contract” is required to ensure that we receive what we “need.”
Partnered sex is interpersonal, not transactional.
Let’s reconsider the transactional, contractual perspective of sex, which portrays men and women as self-interested agents. We can consider having sex as a partnership, even if it is a one-time occurrence. You cooperate with a partner to have sex once or more frequently in order to feel pleasure and/or be interested in childbearing. You are both interested in your own experience, as well as your partner’s experience—it is both self-interested and other-interested.
Sexual partners negotiate sex.
Partners negotiate their sexual relationship and sexual activities inside the relationship. Human sexuality is defined by the type of relationship you have with a partner, even if that “partnership” is only for a single experience. Sexual desires are not fixed. It will change over time with the same partner and between partners. You must figure it out each time in the context of the relationship in which it occurs.
When it comes to having good partnered sex,
- Partners are entirely devoted to the value of one another.
- Partners can hear “no.”
- Partners are willing to deal constructively, unaffected by gender or status.
- Partners want to have sex and are excited about it.
- Partners can let go of stereotypes about male and female sexuality.
Negotiating sex in a really paired sexual encounter entails exploring what each of you wants (forgets needs) each time you have sex. Do you want to have sex for pleasure? Do you want to have sex in an intimate relationship? Do you want sex because you’re lonely, anxious, etc.? Do you wish to have a baby? Do you want sex because you love your partner?
Every time they have sex, partners discuss why it is essential to them. They also discuss how they want to have sex, how frequently they want to have it, and so on. If you dismiss sex as a “need,” there is no reason to investigate what having sex means to each of you. Instead, make negotiating sex enjoyable.
We don’t need to compare; instead, we talk to one another.
We frequently make mistakes when comparing ourselves to others. According to researchers that study misperception, we typically try to infer social norms from our views of the world. However, the majority of sex takes place behind closed doors. And the sex that is visible to the wider public is not an entirely accurate representation of the norm.
So, if you notice yourself “sexaggerating” in comparison to others, speak with your partner.
