As we took that long trip across the mountains, he confessed something.
For years I had known them as the perfect couple. The successful one. The one that had made it through thick and thin. 15 years going on 16. Stable as ever. Strong as I could ever hope for.
And I’d always made a small assumption.
It was a classic love story. They met in a small town. Went on a few dates. The only two to show up to a club meeting on their college campus.
They are still planning on living the rest of their lives together.
So, you can image my surprise when he said it.
We were never perfect for each other. We became perfect for each other.
That hit me like a truck.
Something people love to talk about are old couples.
We celebrate their 50-year anniversaries. We talk about how they found their soulmates. And yet, when you investigate further, they rarely tell you that their love story was flawless.
They’ll usually reveal to you that they weren’t “meant” for each other at all. That they had ups and downs over the years. And how they almost called it quits.
Yet, we never apply these lessons to our own dating lives.
We think that we deserve only the perfect relationship. Somehow, our relationship will be the exception to the rule.
There must be chemistry.
There must be fantastic sex. Intimacy. Two good jobs. Or whatever other grand visions we see for our futures.
We believe that some way, somehow, everything will just “work”.
The truth is the most successful relationships I know started off as two people that were never perfect for each other.
Their meshing of personalities, sex lives, or mutual interests in gardening didn’t keep them together.
In fact, some of the happiest couples I know are very different. Because there is no way to calculate a perfect partnership.
No hobbies that you both have. No body type. No height.
The perfect partner is the one who works at it with you.
A well-known divorce lawyer, James Sexton, always says that he believes in love and not marriage.
What he’s getting at is that love and the logistics of love (commitment, finances, living together, etc) are very different.
Love is not enough because passion isn’t enough. Attraction isn’t enough. Nor is the endless checklist we have in our heads.
That checklist doesn’t make for a successful relationship.
It keeps us chasing. And unsatisfied.
Looking for the one with more money. More stability. A better body. Or any assortment of impossible standards.
Maybe instead of thinking we “deserve only the best”, we reframe to someone we can give our best to. And finding someone who enthusiastically matches that energy.
Because a good partner is exactly that. A partner.
If we’re going to chase something, let’s chase that.
