There is substantial psychological research suggesting that many heterosexual men carry significant fears of their partners in their intimate relationships. These fears are manifested in areas such as fears of being controlled and dominated by women, fears of being entrapped by women, and fears of being inadequate with women.
Research by Dr. James O’Neil and his colleagues has demonstrated that these fears lie at the heart of what he calls Gender Role Conflict, which is correlated with psychological difficulties such as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and higher rates of suicide in men. So, understanding the causes of men’s fears of women has significant implications for both the emotional and physical well-being of men.
Our best understanding of how these fears develop comes from a combination of the fields of men’s studies, gender studies, developmental psychology and clinicians who work directly with men. This work emphasizes the fact that most children are raised primarily by women, and human infants are more dependent on their caregivers than are other animals. In the well-known social science experiment, The Still Face Experiment, mothers and infants interact with each other, until the mothers are instructed to have a “still face,” that is to be unresponsive. Within a minute, most of the infants become extremely bereft, some even losing bowel and bladder control. Infants are completely dependent on their mothers for both their physical and emotional survival and well-being, and so they become hypervigilant to their mother’s every move and mood, and expert students of which behaviors sustain and repair the needed attachment and which behaviors put it at risk. Infants also have their first experiences of subordinating their own desires in the interest of being cared for and loved by their female caregivers. Nothing is more important than doing what pleases her, and they devote themselves to anticipating her wishes and making them their own.
Try as they might, no caregiver can provide the kind of perfect, seamless care that the infant experienced in the womb. Inevitably, there are gaps, moments when a child’s needs are not adequately met or when the gratification of those needs is delayed without warning or explanation. There are dysregulating moments when their mother is distracted or otherwise unavailable when her touch does not magically soothe the pain or distress, or when she is non-responsive to the terror, or impatient or even angry with an infant’s struggles to sleep.
Men’s childhood experiences of feeling responsible for taking care of their mothers may set them up as adults to be hyper-focused on any indication that their partner is dissatisfied with them or just unhappy in any way. Men become hypervigilant for any sign that they are failing to please their adult partners because any hint that they are failing to take care of a woman harken to their sense of having failed their mothers. The childhood saying, “If momma ain’t happy then nobody’s happy” transforms into the new mantra of men’s partnered adult life, “happy wife, happy life.” Research confirms that women’s happiness that is the primary determinant of men’s happiness in most heterosexual couples. The single biggest fear expressed in a survey of 5,000 men was that they would not be able to make their partner happy. In fact, eight of men’s top 10 worries have to do with not being good enough for their partners or families. One man I worked with told me that he could tell if his wife was upset with him as soon as he walked through the front door… before he ever saw her!
Men and women can both benefit from working together to overcome these fears. Men can learn to live richer and fuller lives, a greater range of emotions, and closeness to the people closest to them in their lives. Women can gain a greater compassionate understanding and closeness to the men in their lives.
This post was excerpted, in part, from Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men’s Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships.
