What if that’s the worst thing I ever do?
I remember pleading with my ex-boyfriend to forgive this horrible thing I had done. I knew in my bones that I would never do anything like that again and that it was the worst thing I ever did and ever would do for the rest of my life. I cried and pleaded.
But I had broken his trust. I had shown this other side of myself that even I didn’t know was there. And this other side of me was too much over the line for him. He didn’t know the me with this new element added. It wasn’t me anymore.
I was gutted. He was gutted. And there wasn’t anything I could do to change it.
Fast forward a couple decades, and I was right about never doing that thing again as well as that being the worst thing I ever did. That thing is etched in my memory though, even etched in my skin with a tattoo: We are our choices. It’s a quote by Sartre, reminding me every day that we choose who we are with every choice we make.
It’s not always at this dramatic level. Coffee versus tea. Horror film versus documentary.
But it can be huge. Like choosing to raise your voice in a conversation or choosing to narrow your field of vision on a situation. Seeing only what you want to see, hearing what you want to hear, sticking with your perspective instead of being open to someone else’s.
It’s all a choice.
We choose who we are through our actions. That doesn’t mean we can’t ever change. But it’s who we are at the time.
I had been this particular person who would do this particular thing. And my ex couldn’t trust me that I would change.
I read a brilliant quote once. Something like… When someone tells you who they are, listen. So, I get it. I don’t blame my ex for not trusting me after that. I showed him who I was.
Of course, we are made up of more than one thing we do. We can be a person who changes her own car oil while also being a person who hires a landscaper for her yard.
We show ourselves over time and through experiences and in the way we handle life.
How do you know when someone has shown enough of themselves to you? What if they show you a ton of awesome qualities and then, out of nowhere, comes this ugly trait that tips the scale a bit too much?
Here are two questions to ask yourself:
1. Can I forgive this person enough to tip the scale back in their favor and move forward? Sometimes we do dumb things. Things that seem totally uncharacteristic or not at all in line with our true selves. Maybe forgiveness is all you need in this case. But it’s not always easy to forgive and move on if a particular act cut deep. That’s okay too. It’s okay to have a line in the sand.
2. Does this reflect a pattern, either in them or the people in my life? If it’s not the first time they’ve done this or not the first time you’ve had to deal with it, that could be worth exploring for yourself. I have had more than one partner hand me an ultimatum at a critical point in our relationship. How I dealt with those moments is the pattern.
These questions don’t tell you what to do next, but they can help you see the bigger picture. It’s hard to navigate those terrible moments when someone we love and trust shows us a side we never knew was there. It rattles our reality. Grounding yourself with a less emotional perspective can be the way through and past it. Wherever you end up is still up to you.
