Doctor’s Note: The second letter in today’s column deals with descriptions of assault, forced sex acts and abusive behavior.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
After being in a 2-month rebound relationship in 2021, I’ve learned that it has strongly and negatively affected how I view people fresh out of relationships, and has given me a unhealthy habit of assuming the worst out of people who are even friends with their exes (which I now think is totally ok, given the circumstances). This guy hard pursued me in the few weeks leading up to the start of the relationship, ultimately leading to his confession of still missing his ex, whom he was in a relationship with for 6 years. I backed out of the relationship, and proposed we remain friends. Although I laid down my boundary, the next time we hung out, he was acting like we were on a date – putting his hand on my waist repeatedly, flirting etc. After that, I knew we couldn’t be friends and ended things.
I am still ashamed and embarrassed that I let this short rebound affect my dating experiences today. In late 2022, I met another guy that I barely got to know because I ended things immediately after hearing he was good friends with his ex. Upon reflecting, I can now understand why that may be the case. He grew up without a father and lost his mother and grandmother at a very young age. Even then, it isn’t worth speculating when I should have asked him about his relationship with his ex. I should have been more communicative.
Fast forward to 2023 and I started online dating. I left the apps after 4 months, but remained in touch with a guy I never met in person. There was some hesitancy due to a 5 1/2-year age difference and being 2 hours away from each other. We texted very consistently and phone called, and while I’m not a huge texter and am skeptical of relationships forged online, I really enjoyed talking to this person and felt a connection. We finally met 4 months since we started talking, and since then have been seeing each other in our respective cities every 2-3 weeks. We talk on the phone often, and have made plans months from now.
So you may be wondering why I dumped a load of history in this letter, and how this may connect to the current situation. While things have been going well with this new person, I found out a month into seeing them that they got out of a 4 1/2-year relationship 6 months prior. He clarified saying that would mean we started talking around when they broke up. He said he was glad I brought up my concerns on this, and is happy to talk through things. But when I found out about his past, I felt like everything around me was crumbling. I immediately grew very anxious about the situation and his intentions. Sirens were blaring, and I felt like I had to immediately evacuate. He said that his ex was acting distant 6 months leading up to the breakup, and while he wanted to fix things, she didn’t and broke up with him. She used to live with him. His main friend group includes her, and so they have see each other every 1-2 weeks when the group hangs out. I didn’t see it as a good sign that he was still seeing his ex so soon after the end of the relationship. I told him that as much as I like him, I don’t think I can continue seeing him.
In the past, I’ve been afraid of being vulnerable but I told him how I truly felt. That like the classic Sherlock Holmes quote, the mind is an attic and if his ex still occupies a lot of space in his mind, I’m not sure if there is any room for me to be considered for something further down the road. That I don’t want to be a soothing balm for this. That I want to ultimately find someone I want to be in a committed relationship with, and that can be extremely hard with someone who can’t focus on dating new people. I told him about the brief rebound I was in and how I have a strong negative association with it as the relationship occurred during a difficult point in my life.
When I ended things, he got teary eyed, and I just immediately assumed it was because of his ex. It was hard seeing him emotional, he had never been that vulnerable around me. I also started tearing up. He said that he didn’t want things to end with me, and I immediately assumed that his claim is a just projection of how his last relationship ended, and not about me.
But after that, we never stopped talking even though I assumed we wouldn’t be talking much anymore. He texted me a lot over the holidays, and made a conscious effort to stay in touch. He even told me took the week off work, thinking we were going to spend that time together. He even made my favorite snack to bring to a New Year’s party that his ex was at, and said he was going to visit my city on his own to do some things he initially planned to do with me. Although very hesitant, I suggested we meet up one last time under the pretense that we go out on dates for a weekend filled with fun, in a setting where we aren’t both caught off guard. Of course we ended up talking more about his breakup. I am friends with my ex too, but it was a journey getting to that point. I wanted to be kind, but also get questions answered. This is a guy who lives 2 hours away from me, and I am afraid of investing in something that has no chance of growing. He said that he doesn’t think he will get back with his ex, even if she wanted to. He said they have fundamental issues that couldn’t be resolved. He also responded to my desire in dating someone that has processed his relationships, and he said he will always been reflecting on them so he knows what he can do better on. I think he initially thought I wasn’t going to budge of my stance to end things, because he started tearing up again. And again, I thought it must be because of his ex. I expressed that anxious thought and he said that it was because of me and the situation.
One of your posts about someone fearing if their new relationship post-break was a rebound struck a chord with me. I agree that you cannot slap a time on when someone will be ready to date after a breakup. Your thoughts on how rebound relationships have a bad name were insightful to me.
I am not fixed on the idea of this new thing I have with this guy to transform in to a committed relationship. I am willing to wait until I find that person I want to cultivate that with. Aside from my fears about this guy’s ex, I really want to get to know this guy more, but am also very scared. I know the situation isn’t ideal, but I also don’t want to do this guy the disservice of not giving a fair chance if it’s my fears are part of the problem. I just want that to know if you think I am projecting fears from past situations into this one? Or am I right to think maybe I should back out?
Thank you,
Lost, Anxious, and Confused
