Dear Dr. NerdLove: I went to a very close guy friend’s house for drinks under the impression that there’d be other people at his place. When I was on the way there, he asked if I had my ID because everyone was going to a bar and I said no and that I thought we were just going to have drinks at his. Since I was very close on the subway to his, he told me to just come up.
When I came up, that’s when I realized other people had left and it was only him in his apartment. He looked pretty coked out and drunk. We started taking shots and talking about school and jobs. This friend and I had slept together once over a year ago, and we never talked about it again. We were getting tipsy or at least I was, he already seemed pretty out when I got there and he started asking me about my boyfriend (whom he knew about since I started seeing) and I said yes we’re dating now. Then he started asking me if I ever thought about that time we had sex, to which I said “No not really, very rarely I would look at you and remember that we had sex, but no I don’t actively think about it”, and to which he said “Yes sometimes, is that bad?”.
After that we just got more to drink, and he started saying stuff like “Are you curious what it’s gonna be like to do it again?”, and in the state of tipsy getting closer to drunk I said “I mean I wouldn’t say no”, after that he came on trying to kiss me and I stopped him saying “No we shouldn’t” (we’re both in relationships) and he stopped. We kept drinking for a bit more, not much but after that the tequila hit me and I got from tipsy to drunk really fast. I remember him trying again and I kissed him back, the whole kiss was only 15 seconds at most then we both stopped or I stopped him I can’t recall, but I broke down hysterically and cried really hard because I realized what we did was wrong, he comforted me and asked if I wanted to sleep in his bed because I was too drunk to go home. I went to sleep in his bed, I remember him coming to the room after a while and giving me clean clothes to change into because he didn’t want subway clothes on his bed, and I did that. He was in the room when that happened and later on went outside for a bit and got onto the bed.
I was really drunk and could barely open my eyes without the whole room spinning, and I sorta fell in and out of sleep. The majority of time I was facing the other way, but could feel him touching me under the clothes and kissing me on the face. He would do it then would pull away then get back to doing it. That happened throughout the night until I slowly gained back my conscious. I was still very much in and out of sleep and in and out of consciousness, and my head was still spinning. But I remember kissing him back momentarily a few times then would pull away, he would have his hands in my pants and one time he penetrated me with his fingers and he said “Did that feel good?” and I didn’t know why I said “yes” even though it felt so rough and I didn’t ask for any of that, but my body did respond to the touches and I did get a bit wet down there.
When I turned my back facing him he moved closer to me and my fingers touched his penis. He moved it up and down my hand and for a few seconds I moved my fingertips along the tip of his penis not intentionally but because it was right there, then I pulled away when I realized, I even told him “You’re so hard”, again just out of reaction and not in a way to try to turn him on. After that I turned the other way, though I vaguely recall turning my face to him again because I was facing the other way for so long, and my mouth touched his nose and I sorta accidentally kissed it and he said “Hey that’s on you”. All of this happen while I was slowly gaining back my consciousness and was very in and out of sleep, so a lot of the interactions happened (from my end) because they were out of reactions then I would pull away while he kept trying. He carried on cuddling me and I let that happen until I was fully conscious. I freaked out and started crying and felt like I had cheated on my boyfriend. He freaked out when he saw that I was freaking out, and said “Why did I go into my room?” and “Please punch me I feel terrible” and “Please don’t tell your boyfriend or anyone”.
I’m so confused as to what’s happened, I feel like I was taken advantage of but at the same time when I was regaining my consciousness slowly I still let it happen and even responded to some of it, in my head at the time it just felt like “Yes this is happening” and I didn’t feel anything towards it.
Was I assaulted or am I justifying myself cheating on my boyfriend? I tried talking to this friend 2 weeks after it happened and he just said “I don’t remember anything it was so blurry” and that made me feel even more terrible because I remember it all pretty vividly.
What Did I Do?
This was a truly awful experience, WDID, and I’m so sorry that you went through this.
Let’s start with the TL;DR and then I’ll go into a little about the whats, whys and wherefores. So TL;DR: no, this wasn’t cheating. You were absolutely taken advantage of. I would say that yes, it’s fair to say that you were assaulted; you were in no state where you could consent. That’s not on you.
So, let’s back up and break things down a bit. Based on asking if you’d had your ID and the fact that he seems to have been hammered by the time you got there, it doesn’t sound like this was a pre-planned thing. I don’t know if it’s that his friends were there and left and he decided to wait for you, if his friends ditched him because he was already obnoxiously drunk (and apparently coked out) or what, but it doesn’t sound like this was a “mustache-twirling movie villain” plan. What it does sound like is that, at first, he was drunk, horny and making some shitty choices.
So, at the start of the evening, his behavior at the start is sus, but not uncommon. The “hey, ever think about the time we banged” is a line a lot of folks have used to try to rekindle any remaining interest after a brief fling or one-time hookup. It’s a clumsy way of trying to get the other person to think about sex with them – theoretically then leading to them being turned on and being down to clown for old time’s sake.
Your reply of “…no, not really” was clearly not what he was hoping to hear – hence bringing it up again when he asked about “wonder what it would feel like to try again?” Somewhere in his inebriated brain, he thought this was a killer line and his shot for another hook-up with you.
Where things start going wrong is when you said “well, I’m not saying no”. I get that you were fairly tipsy yourself and not thinking as clearly as you could either. However that is something that, even to someone who was sober, would sound a lot like you’re agreeing to it depending on tone and the level of enthusiasm (or lack thereof) in your voice. To someone who’s hammered and doing a lot of dickful thinking, that would absolutely sound like agreement. So I’m not surprised he made a move.
Now, where things should’ve stopped was when you said “wait, we shouldn’t”. That should’ve been the end of it. It absolutely should’ve stopped was after he kissed you again, you kissed him back and then you burst into tears. Even the most terminally hornt-up brain isn’t going to see that and think it really means “Oh no, I am too weak to resist your powerful charms”.
Now, up to a certain point, this feels like a “everyone’s kinda drunk and on the verge of making a poor choice” sort of scenario – where two people with some history between them were both rolling with disadvantage and failed a couple wisdom saving throws before making the third. Things might have escalated to some form of regretful, alcohol-fueled fooling around – or more – but it didn’t. If things had stopped here, it would be the sort of thing that you both could mutually agree to shove down the memory hole, never to be discussed again.
It’s what happens afterwards where shit goes off the rails to “no, this was absolutely not OK, what the ACTUAL fuck?”
The one point I’m not clear on is whether when he offered to let you sleep it off, the intent was for him to take the couch while you slept in his room. A little of what he says later makes me think that was the case. It’s a minor thing, but it definitely adds another layer to what he did.
So, as I said: at this point, drunk and/or coked out as he may be, this is a point where he knows you’re not cool with doing any more. If he’s got enough functioning brain cells to see that this upset you, to offer you a place to sleep it off and to say “hey, here, clean set of clothes so you don’t mess up the sheets and feel more comfortable”, then yeah, he should also be compos enough in his mentis to say “ok, clearly not gonna happen, need to stop, maybe we’ll talk about in the morning.”
But his getting into bed with you and starting to grope you and kissing you crossed all sorts of lines – not the least of which being that, as I said at the top, you were in no state to consent.
But let’s take a moment to talk about what you experienced while this was going on. I know that your reactions are part of what makes this confusing. I want you to know that those responses are not just well-known reactions to assault but also not a sign of interest or that you were actually into it.
Yes, there were times when you responded to him touching you. That’s not unusual. Even becoming slightly wet isn’t unusual; this is something that people who wereraped have reported happening to them and left them feeling intensely confused and upset because of it. It’s a biological response – your body trying to prevent tears and bruising from penetration, not a sign of desire.
And, more to the point, you were still pretty hammered and in and out of sleep. Between the alcohol and the liminal states between being asleep and awake, the likelihood of having a clear understanding what was actually going on is pretty close to zero. And what awareness you did have is still well within the realm of what a lot of other people have experienced in similar situations.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the “fight or flight” response. The thing is, that’s actually not the entire range of responses; it’s more accurate to say that it’s a “fight, flight, freeze or fawn” – that is, to literally freeze up (your muscles lock up because of the adrenaline surge) or to go into “go along with it” mode to hopefully de-escalate things and avoid making the situation worse. A number of people who’ve been groped, assaulted or raped have had similar experiences – either not resisting or not pulling away – and it’s left them feeling similarly conflicted and betrayed by their own body. It’s really your body’s way of trying to get you through the experience with as little harm as possible, not a sign that you were secretly into it.
So, no. You didn’t cheat on your boyfriend. This is something that wouldn’t have happened until that guy made a unilateral decision. As I said: I think it’s fair to describe it as assault.
And the dude knows he fucked up, badly and flipped his shit in the cold light of sobriety. His over-the-top reactions – “Oh God why did I do that” and “punch me, I feel awful” – whether intentionally or not, are as much about pushing you to reassure him that he’s not A Bad Guy. While he may well feel like the shitheel, what he’s doing is making this more about his feelings than the fact that hey, he took advantage of you while you were drunk and only semi-conscious. It’s not that different from people making excessively dramatic apologies full of dramatic self-recrimination about how horrible they are; it flips the situation to where the other person feels pressured to soothe and absolve the perpetrator’s feelings and accept an apology they might not have otherwise.
This is part of why I’m fairly certain he’s straight up lying to you about not remembering. I’ve had enough times where I’ve been drunk enough that I don’t remember significant portions of the night before. I’ve definitely had times where, while hammered, I said or did things I didn’t remember at all the next day. It’s the performative, over the top remorse that makes me think that he’s hoping that this can be swept under the carpet, never to be discussed again. As long as he pretends he doesn’t remember, then, to his mind, he can’t be blamed for it or face the consequences of it.
Like I said, I don’t think he planned this. I don’t think “get you drunk and have his wicked ways with you” was on the agenda. But he still hurt you and it clearly has left you feeling hurt, confused and blaming yourself and he seems unwilling to face up to it.
I could understand if you would want to confront him about things. I would absolutely understand if you decided you’d rather just cut him out of your life entirely. But you don’t need to feel guilty or responsible.
I do think it would help for you to talk to a rape crisis counselor about this. The National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673) has trained counselors who can talk with you about what happened, help you process your feelings about this, and explain some of the reactions you had and why. They’re available 24 hours a day and it’s completely confidential.
The most important thing is to remember: you didn’t cheat, you didn’t (and couldn’t) consent. All of this is on him, not you.
All will be well.
