In Sunday Aikido practice, Ishibashi Sensei tapped his bokuto (wooden sword) on my shoulder. Sensei smiled. He said, “Smile.” I said, “Yeah. This is fun!” Sensei was reminding me not to take myself so seriously. Which I often do. I was learning a technique that I had not done before. I was trying to get it right. Sensei saw that on my face. Still, I was in Aikido practice doing what I loved most on Planet Earth. Training. I was where I wanted and needed to be. I had fun. I smiled, too.
Maybe the stupidest thing I do on Planet Earth is have great expectations. Whether that’s quickly getting the Aikido technique for the first time. Whether I’m on a date wondering, “What if she doesn’t like me?”
The National Hockey League GOAT (Greatest of All-Time) Wayne Gretzky said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I take my shots in life. I can win. I can lose. I try my best. I have as much fun as I can along the way. Oh yeah, I smile too. Just train.
The only thing I can do is be present in the moment. The past is the past. It already happened. Lady MacBeth said, “What’s done cannot be undone.” I can’t change the past. The future hasn’t happened, yet. All I have is now, in the present. I’m present. I choose who I am and what I do in the present, in the moment.
The late Mizukami Sensei trained both Ishibashi Sensei and me in Aikido for over 25 years until he passed away. In the attack, Mizukami Sensei said, “Wait it out. Enter the attack. Take a glancing blow if you have to. You’re not always going to get away scot-free. It’s one time.”
The attack could be the 250-pound man coming to punch my head off or life coming in full throttle. I take the glancing blow for what’s meaningful to me. Ishibashi Sensei said, “The safest place to be is under the attack, in the danger.” He said, “The purpose of Aikido is to release your fear.” In the center of the attack, in the danger, I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough.
Although, my fear inside may never completely disappear, every time I enter the attack, enter what I fear, I let go more and more of my fear inside me. I free myself. I don’t take myself so seriously. I practice that over, and over, and over again.
The late NBA Hall of Famer Kobe Bryant said, “Failure excites me.” When Kobe failed that gave him what to work on next and invent his greater-than version of himself. We all fail. We’re all imperfectly human. That’s just our design.
Whether I succeed or fail in Aikido, at work, in writing, or in my romantic relationships, I create the space to grow from both. That’s what the late Mizukami Sensei and Ishibashi Sensei have done for me. They generated the space for me to be me. I could invent my greater-than version of me. I work on myself, not on others. I put my head down. I put in the work. Just train. That’s all I can do.
O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” Victory over myself is not taking myself so seriously, too.
I work my therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression that sourced from my fear as a little boy of never being good enough for Dad. Yeah, that’s serious. Still, I don’t take myself seriously in healing myself. Like what the late Mizukami Sensei and Ishibashi Sensei taught, I enter what I fear. That’s the safest place to be. I don’t defend against my fear. I invite my fear inside. I take my glancing blows for what’s meaningful to me. That’s all on me.
I forgave Dad for not knowing how to raise me, for being afraid inside, and for being imperfectly human. He only did to me what his dad had done to him. He didn’t know any better. I forgive myself for not being strong enough at 8 years old to stand up to Dad and protect Mom. I forgive myself for being imperfectly human, too. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I practice that over, and over, and over, and over again. I let myself be. I don’t take myself so seriously. Amen.
Inevitably, life can turn upside down and sideways on a dime. Yeah, shit happens. Still, I enter whatever comes at me. I invite it. I don’t oppose it. I don’t defend. I enter the danger and die with honor. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. That’s all we can do.
I try not to take myself so seriously on the path. I try not to take life so seriously, too. I do what I love for as long as I can. I have as much fun as I can for as long as I can. I smile whenever I can, too.
