Don’t let your loved one become a suicide statistic.
Mental illness is unpredictable and could happen to anyone. When it crashes into your family, you can’t hide any longer.
Don’t assume some outside “professional” will come to your rescue. In the UK, mental health funding and treatment quality are terrible.
You might be the only source of support for a loved one, and you need to know what to do.
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1. Listen.
You might think listening is simple, but active listening is a learned skill. The purpose is to understand the meaning and intention behind someone’s words. Far from being a passive process, active listening means participating in the conversation.
Many people call “listening” being quiet while waiting for the other person to shut up. You might as well talk to yourself.
To be an active listener, you need good eye contact and an awareness of body language. Ask questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Then, summarize their response. Only offer advice or judgments if asked for.
It’s no exaggeration to say that active listening saves lives. Before I was a police officer, I worked alone in a liquor store in a rough area. People began gossiping about a woman who used to roam the street and flash men. She would usually offer them sex.
She came into the store one night and straight up asked me if I wanted to go home with her for sex. She told me she had whips and chains to sweeten the deal. I declined, but another customer saw his chance and asked if he and a friend could go. She agreed, and they all left together.
About a month later, I saw her again. This time, she was crying. I asked her how she was. She told me a year previously, she had lost a baby to miscarriage. Sex was a way to deaden her pain. Without sex, she had time to think, and nothing tortured her as much as her own mind.
She talked with me for 30 minutes. At the end, she said thank you. She said she was suicidal, but now some of the pressure had lifted.
I never saw her again, but I’m grateful I was able to help her in that moment.
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2. Be patient.
You may be desperate to help your loved one. You want to know their thoughts and feelings right away. But, if you push too hard, you risk them closing down and not talking to you.
Let your loved one set the pace for their recovery.
In the past, I believed a magician could read my thoughts. I thought Obama sent people to Siberian death camps. I used to spend hours writing out my delusions, and I believed every word. My parents and girlfriend wanted to tell me I was talking nonsense. But they never did.
My family had to balance neither confirming nor denying my delusions. They were calm with me, let me know they supported me, and listened until I burned myself out.
If they’d shut me down, all those delusions would have stayed in my head, swirling and gaining momentum. They were my outlet. I don’t know how I’d have survived otherwise.
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3. Offer to help them seek professional support.
My mum pushed hard for me to get help, and I resisted every step of the way. I didn’t want help for my PTSD because I thought it was my fault. I also didn’t want help with my delusions because I thought they were real. This is the only time my mum and I ever clashed.
The professionals that I turned to for support were all garbage. Most of them were horrendous people. I’ve never seen such oversized egos. They lacked empathy, kindness, and understanding.
But everyone needs to try and seek professional help. Your loved one might get the right medication like me and have it change their life. Just because I didn’t like therapy doesn’t mean others shouldn’t try it. Some people find it helpful.
You could offer to go with them to their initial doctor’s appointment. Depending on the severity of their condition, you could be an official advocate.
Ensure you don’t take control and let your loved one make decisions wherever possible.
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4. Educate yourself about the illness.
Throughout my illness, my dad repeatedly said he “didn’t understand any of it.” We had many fights in the beginning because something he said or did would upset me.
Saying you don’t understand something is an excuse. We have all the information in the world at our fingertips. Books, websites, and documentaries are easily accessible. If you still don’t get it after many years, like my dad, you didn’t try hard enough to learn. This means you don’t think it’s important.
My dad loved me, but for some reason, he never moved beyond the ignorance stage when it came to my mental health.
To support your loved one with mental illness, learn about it first. If you educate family members and involve them in the process, it benefits everyone.
How can you understand the terror of schizophrenia or the sadness of depression without experience or education? How do you know your loved one can’t just snap out of it if you lack knowledge?
Arguments are reduced when families understand that strange behaviors result from an illness. These behaviors don’t reflect their loved one’s character.
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5. Have realistic expectations.
My dad used to think I’d get better in a few months and rejoin the police. At the same time, a doctor working for the police told me I was 100% disabled for the rest of my life.
Familial expectations can impact recovery. Many families believe after a few weeks of therapy, their loved one is cured. Then, they can shuffle them off to school or work and make up for lost time. This causes stress for the person with the mental illness and can lead to a relapse.
Most people need to lower their expectations. Instead, encourage your loved one to move slower. Keep their life as stress-free as possible because, in their head, they’re fighting a nightmare.
Every time someone has a psychotic episode, their brain is damaged further.
Be ready to change your expectations as the illness gets better or worse. It can be tiring; sometimes, you must rely on trial and error.
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6. Set boundaries.
As a carer, it’s easy to lose yourself in your efforts to do your best for someone with a mental illness. In this article, I have focused on what’s best for the person suffering.
But what about you? Treating your loved one respectfully is important, but everyone needs boundaries, too.
I’ve met many people who stopped taking their medicine because of the harmful side effects. They became aggressive and delusional. Their families went through a lot of stress and fear. This harmed everyone, especially the younger children.
In these situations, loved ones try to respect the dignity of someone with a mental illness. However, they may give too much freedom to those unprepared to handle it.
Setting boundaries while giving the individual freedom and autonomy benefits everyone.
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Final thoughts.
No matter what your loved one is going through, you owe it to them to look after yourself, too. Don’t be afraid to take a break when you need it. Talk to someone you trust and reach out to others in a similar position.
Many groups help caregivers by giving them a break and offering friendship.
Overcoming mental illness is a long and arduous fight. It took me 20 years, but my family was a key reason for my recovery. You can be this gift to your own loved ones. You could help the person you love the most turn their life around.
