In my practice as a trauma coach, I work with people at all stages of the healing journey. Some are dealing with the impact of their disrupted childhood. Some have left a toxic workplace or relationship and now want to explore just what the heck that was.
And others are coming into awareness that the job or relationship they are currently in is not healthy. And not what they really want. They are beginning to face the fact that it’s most likely not going to get better, and, if they want to regain their precious human energy, they are probably going to have to leave.
This is not an easy realization to face. It typically brings up feelings of guilt, disloyalty, fear, shame, and more. We can feel utter hopelessness at the prospect of reconstructing our lives. We may even cling to any indication that the person is “not so bad” or “getting better” so we don’t have to face the heart-wrenching, scary decision before us.
And so, I have come to see that for some people, preparing the field is an important stage. This has both emotional and practical aspects. Emotionally, I think the preparing the field stage tends to involve these (non-linear) steps:
ONE — Admitting that what we are dealing with is not ok with us. I remember when my BFF finally said that she was seeing me negatively impacted by my “bad relationship.” It was like a light went on, and I thought OMG, she’s right. This isn’t just a temporary issue or needing to communicate with him better. I am in a bad relationship. I needed to let this in and sit with it for awhile.
TWO — Speaking this out loud to trusted others. Many if not most targets of narcissistic abuse tend to keep fairly quiet about it. This is often because we doubt our own perceptions and because things look good from the outside. Speaking about it is a way of facing the truth of it and an important part of the process.
THREE — Thinking about and exploring what we would do without the relationship or job. Allowing this idea to be a real possibility. Looking at job listings or housing. Picturing ourselves alone. (In this step, it is important to be able to see the positives in the change, not just the scary stuff, which is why a trauma-informed coach or therapist can be a critical source of help.)
Logistically, there are many things to consider in terms of preparing the field, depending on the situation and the malignancy of the person you are dealing with. In the workplace, it can range from finding a new job (or retiring) and considering how to leave with grace so as not to burn any bridges, or all the way to being a full-out whistleblower with the legal issues that entails. In the first case, preparing the field might just look like careful assessment of finances and job possibilities in your field. In the second case, it probably looks like getting some sound legal advice and support.
In a personal relationship, there are often many more considerations and ways the field needs to be prepared. It might look like setting aside money, and/or getting your own accounts and credit cards. In cases of divorce, it may need to include getting legal advice about custody issues and support. It might look like finding a place to live. It might look like making a list of what you want from the home. Etc.
Whatever your own situation, there are a couple of thoughts I want to leave you with:
ONE: Preparing the field can feel like you’re not doing enough, but it is an important part of the process.
TWO: It can feel completely overwhelming to face changing your life by moving on from a toxic situation. But you can do it. And each little step takes you closer to to your freedom.
