In the dictionary, “Vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”
While I don’t disagree, to unlock its transformational potential, I think it needs updating to something like, “Vulnerability is the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of 1. being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally and/or 2. being truly seen, heard, accepted and loved for all of the beautifully unique human you are.”
Vulnerability is the collective name we use to describe the feelings that come from experiencing (usually uncomfortable) emotions including shame, guilt, fear, insecurity, anger, etc. We might not be able to label them in the moment but we know we’ve felt them because we feel the impulse of energy which creates a sensation of exposure in the body and mind. We then want to fight, take flight/run away, or freeze and we often don’t speak up because of these urges. These are more often than not conditioned responses based on how we were raised and from society.
I had a male client who wanted to connect with a woman he was attracted to. He was massively overthinking the initial texts and second-guessing himself, to the point of anxiety, wanting to get this message just right (Been there!). Thoughts like, will she think I’m funny? What if I say the wrong thing? What if she rejects me? All of this was holding him back from putting himself out there.
Ultimately, the only way past this is through. My reframed version of vulnerability is, “Vulnerability is a Go not a No. It is the impulse before action, providing a direction that, when consciously followed, fully aligns a person with the life that’s meant for them.” When the above client became aware of this reframe the lightbulb went off that his anxiety over texting was in fact a deep fear of abandonment (FOA) inherited from childhood. When he faced the overwhelming feeling of sending an unagonised-over text, by using suggested tools to move the extra energy, he began healing the FOA trigger. In time, it went away completely.
The freedom to choose our response and 100% trust in our actions comes from recognising the life-changing ability to lean into vulnerability, which is why I’m such a big fan. Like physical fitness, emotional fitness comes in only one way, working out by repping those heavy emotions. A rep is taking responsibility for when we are triggered and riding out the wave of insecurity using practices to regulate our nervous systems.
The first rep is especially hard because our Ego/Inner Critic (the part of us that keeps us alive if a lion shows up) are doing their job and giving out big warning/run-the-f-away signals. The trouble is, our Ego/ Inner Critic often only sees through one lens. Life and death.
Like when my body went completely numb the morning after a beautiful date. The feeling of panic was incredible but I realised that a beautiful date AND a shutdown couldn’t both be true. The shutdown was actually a sign of her getting closer to me. My conditioning, due to several broken hearts, meant my Ego perceived a threat so my nervous system went into freeze to protect me.
Neuroscience has proved that our brains can’t detect between perceived and actual threats, so we have to figure out how to challenge the status quo inside us. Because my Ego was giving off safety signals it felt logical to do what it said but that’s what was keeping me trapped. So, instead of running or hiding, I took a deep breath, leaned into the feeling of vulnerability and spoke to her openly about the shutdown instead. Game changer!
When you catch the fear as I did, or shame, guilt, anger, etc — and immediately do a rep and use a technique such as deep breathing, rubbing two fingers together, etc to bring your attention back to your body you will be able to choose a different behaviour other than the one conditioned into you. So, I was able to talk about how I felt, in turn, taking a step towards healing a trauma, and my client did too. Incremental steps like these are how your life begins to transform.
Take on a vulnerability challenge…
What rep can you do to help you embrace more vulnerability? How about the practice below? Or, for five more tools, watch this space my brand new eGuide on how to quieten your inner critic so you can reduce your anxiety and live the life meant for you.
As always, thanks for reading,
PRACTISE: The metaphorical table
WHY: To provide yourself with the gift of actually expressing how you feel because right now, you might be diluting it because you’re trying to protect the other person’s feeling (deep down that’s a fear of abandonment btw — which we all have to some extent).
HOW TO START: Whenever you speak, verbally or via text, imagine there’s a table in front of you. Say how you feel honestly and imagine you’re placing the words onto the table in front of you. Your ONLY responsibility is putting words onto the table. It’s 100% the other person’s responsibility how they choose to pick the words up.
