I’m 5-feet-5. Women I meet reject me, and I don’t get matches on the dating apps. I’m lonely and low in confidence, and I’ve almost given up hope. So I’m considering a painful procedure in which my legs would be broken and lengthened to make me a few inches taller. It costs about $100,000. I know it’s radical, but I’m desperate. Should I go through with it?
GERALD, 28, NEW YORK CITY
Woah, $100K to have your legs broken? I know a guy down at the docks, Nicky “The Nostril,” who’ll do it for way less.
I feel your frustration, Gerald. I’ve never broken a bone, but my heart breaks when I see a good guy like you struggle with loneliness simply because of his height. It shouldn’t be this way.
So I say this with love, empathy and respect: Are you effin’ bonkers?
Think about it. You’d be volunteering to pay $100,000 to suffer a grotesque physical trauma one might associate with a high-speed car crash in hopes of becoming slightly more swipeable on Tinder.
Are you sure that gaining a few extra inches in height will fix things? I’m 6-feet-2 and I had epic dating struggles back in the day (until I learned what REALLY attracts women, which I’ll mention in a minute).
Now, I will concede that dating bias against shorter men is real, especially on the apps. Many women filter out guys who fall beneath a certain height. And one study reported that a typical 5-foot-6 man has to earn $175,000 more annually than his 5-foot-11 counterpart to be seen as desirable to women as the taller guy.
So it’s no wonder that cosmetic leg-lengthening is a booming trend. Traditionally, these procedures were performed to correct malformed or traumatized legs. But lately, more and more men are having this work done to boost their self-esteem and their dating lives. In the last five years, lengthening procedures in the U.S. have increased by an estimated 900 percent. And about 85 percent of patients are males.
The four-hour operation entails breaking both femurs and inserting telescopic, titanium nails down the center of the bones. Over the next 90 days, a magnetic device inside the nails pulls the cut bone apart at a rate of 1 millimeter per day. The body makes new bone material to fill in the gaps and—voila!—2 to 3 inches of added height.
The downside? Patients endure terrific pain from the double-leg fracture, followed by weeks in a wheelchair and three or four months of physical therapy. Potential complications include blood clots, infection, poor bone reformation and re-breakage.
And all to be just a bit taller.
Yes, your height is a dating challenge to an extent. But that’s not the main problem. The real issues are:
1: You believe the myth that all women only want to date tall men, and this kills your confidence; and
2: Your lowered confidence makes you much less attractive to women
In other words, it’s about your head, not your height.
This is GREAT news! It’s a lot easier to strengthen your mindset than to lengthen your legs.
Let’s bust this myth that women only want tall men.
The truth is, for the typical woman, it’s not really about a guy’s height. It’s about how a guy’s height makes her feel: feminine, safe. A shorter man like you can give her those same feelings by, say, getting ripped at the gym, honing a more charismatic personality, and walking through life with a steely self-certainty.
Sure, lots of ladies like guys with height. But in my 11 years as a dating coach for men, I’ve found that most women simply want a guy who’s NOT shorter than she is. Which means, Gerald, that you have tens of millions of potential dating options since the average American woman is 5-feet-4, an inch shorter than you.
What’s hurting your dating life the most is not your height—it’s how your height hurts your confidence and makes you insecure. That’s what turns women off.
Not every woman wants a tall man. Before she dated me, my ex-girlfriend Diane (5-feet-5) went out with a little person (4-feet-7). She loved his quirky sense of humor and edgy confidence.
For most women, height is not a top requirement. What do almost ALL women want? A confident, authentic man who knows his worth and makes her feel special, whether he’s 6-foot-4 or 4-foot-6.
Think back to a time when a girl turned you down for a date. Was it really because of your height? Or could it be because of how insecure and timid this perceived insufficiency made you feel?
You don’t need towering height. You need towering confidence.
Now, you might be saying, “But what about the apps? I’m struggling on Hinge and Tinder!” To which I reply, “Why are you talking to a website? It can’t hear you!”
I haven’t seen your profile, but consider my client Ben who at 5-feet-6 is just an inch taller than you. He came to me because he was getting zero traction on Hinge. Crickets. He assumed it was because of his height. I looked at his profile and discovered the culprit: unflattering selfies and boring prompts.
We updated Ben’s profile with some stunning photos of him surfing in Santa Monica, and also added witty, self-aware prompts (“What I lack in height, I make up for with an 810 credit rating.”) The result? Within two days, Ben had 83 new matches with some wonderful women and was soon going on more dates than he could handle.
There’s also my client Michael, who’s 5-feet-3. He met his now-girlfriend Allison (who’s the same height) on Bumble. She liked the globe-trotting lifestyle his profile projected, especially a photo of him wearing a kimono in Japan. This painted an enticing picture of what dating him might be like, and she swiped right.
And neither Ben nor Michael had to get Medieval on their own thigh bones to attract some great dating options.
My advice? Build confidence that comes from your core, not from your height. And build a dating profile that showcases your best life—and your awesome, authentic self—in attractive ways.
I tell every one of my clients, “You are enough.” In your case, Gerald, I mean that literally. You don’t need 3 more inches to become worthy of love. You need to see how worthy you already are and begin to believe it.
DO YOU SQUAT HERE OFTEN?
There’s a woman at my gym I’d love to talk to, but I don’t want to be that creep who hits on girls at the gym. What if she complains and I get kicked out? Just the idea of saying hello to her terrifies me. Should I shoot my shot?
ROBBIE, 37, SAN DIEGO
You have good instincts, Robbie. Women go to the gym to get their HITT on, not to get hit on.
So don’t hit on her. Instead, strike up a light, friendly conversation to see if there’s chemistry.
Your gym is a social club, and she’s a fellow member. It’s perfectly OK to seek to socialize with a woman who catches your eye. Just don’t open the conversation with something vulgar (“Those yoga pants are painted on”) or cheesy (“You must take boxing classes because you’re a knockout.”) Or vulgar and cheesy (“We should do a pose called Downward Doggy Style.”)
My advice? Wait for a moment when she’s not doing a set, and then break the ice with a friendly, G-rated compliment—about her snazzy style, perhaps, or a cool tattoo she has. Or ask an innocent question about the music or podcast she’s listening to. (“I’m curious—what’s on your gym playlist?”)
These openers are virtually rejection-proof because you’re testing conversational waters, not doing weird pickup moves.
Next, notice how she responds and read her body language. If her reply is terse, and she doesn’t hold eye contact with you, no worries. Stay upbeat. Say “Have a great workout” and move on. You did NOT creepily hit on her. You just said hello. She almost certainly won’t complain.
If she’s positive and engaged, with good eye contact, she’s giving you green lights to take things a little further—socially, if not romantically. Be sincere and keep things light. After about 2 minutes, take out your phone and say, “I’ll let you get back to your planks, but it would be cool to talk again. Shall we do numbers?”
If she says yes, success! The two of you could soon be downing wheatgrass shots together at the juice bar.
If she says no, don’t take it personally. She may be in a relationship, or perhaps she simply sees the gym as a place to get fit, not get dates. She might even be flattered that you asked. Stay positive, wish her well, and feel great about taking a romantic risk.
Back in my single days, I was at my gym one Sunday afternoon, and I complimented a woman on her Rolling Stones T-shirt. “Excuse me, miss,” I said. “You have great style. I love the Stones!”
She smiled wide. “Thank you! I actually noticed your T-shirt too.” I was wearing a Krispy Kreme tee. “Your shirt has been making me hungry.”
After talking classic rock and glazed doughnuts for a few minutes, we traded numbers and set up a date—which included a decadent trip to Krispy Kreme.
Hey, that’s why we burn fat at the gym, right? To find fun ways to put it back on.
