When I am in love, I become fully immersed/enmeshed/absorbed in that person and piece by piece I disappear. The romantic in me, the poet in me, likes to swim in the notion that true love is meant to be a wild and untameable exploration of two people becoming the one sublime entity. But having now survived the most devastating relationship breakdown of my life, I realised that having that kind of view of romantic love is just a toxic quest for possession of the significant other dressed up as “soulmate love”.
Worst yet, having self-analysed and researched attachment styles, I realised that I have always fallen into the trap of that addictive Anxious-Avoidant dance. My relationship with my ex-husband was a prime example of this so perhaps it was always doomed to fail due to the lack of self-awareness and the delusion that romantic love is enough for an enduring relationship. Had I known then what I know now about attachment theory, perhaps we would have had a fighting chance.
Attachment Theory explores the blueprint of how we give and receive love. Our attachment style is formed in our childhood and consists of: Anxious attachment, Avoidant attachment, Disorganised attachment and Secure attachment.
The Anxious-Avoidant dance involves one person being all in while the other is already halfway out the door. The anxious lover’s excessive need for reassurance of love triggers the avoidant’s desire to run away at the expectation of intimate responsibility, then the anxious lover clings tighter for fear of abandonment, not realising this pushes the avoidant even further away for fear of losing their independence.
The addictive part comes when the avoidant returns with titbits of affection and a glimmer of vulnerability, only to run away again when the anxious lover (uncomfortable in a secure relationship) creates friction by making the avoidant feel like no matter that they say or do, their love will never be enough.
And so, the vicious dance goes on, each triggering the other’s core childhood traumas and in turn triggering the fight or flight response (the anxious one being the fighter, and the avoidant being the one to take flight).
If you truly love each other, it does not have to be a doom and gloom struggle for your love to survive. You simply need to learn each other’s attachment styles and the appropriate way to communicate with each other (couples therapy certainly would not hurt either).
This dance occurs when needs are not being communicated, nor met.
If you are the anxious one in the relationship, give the avoidant space and allow them to come to you when they are ready — they will always come to you if you loosen that tight grip and don’t view their alone time as a threat to your relationship.
If you are the avoidant one, communicate your feelings with clarity and vulnerability — this is all the anxious lover needs from you: vulnerability. You will find once you are more open, their grip will loosen and your independence remains intact.
Or, you could leave this dance. As the great Sufi poet Rumi says;
“Half of life is lost in charming others.
The other half is lost in going through anxieties caused by others.
Leave this play. You have played enough.”
