It was the second time in a week my partner and I responded to their apartment.
As a young patrol officer, I had grown accustomed to the rhythms of domestic violence in our community. Angry and emotionally damaged people seem to hurt the ones they love with alarming regularity.
We could hear shouting as we climbed the stairs, stepping over a plastic bag of empty beer bottles. “Police department,” my partner shouted as we knocked on the door.
Inside, everything went silent.
Slowly, the door was unlatched and opened. She was crying, with mascara running down her red cheeks.
“Where is he?” my partner said. “Over there, on the couch. He’s been drinking again, but he didn’t hit me,” she said.
Thus began yet another domestic violence investigation. Our job was to determine if a crime occurred, and who the primary aggressor was. And to provide professional resources for the victim.
This time, there had been no crime. Just a loud argument, which prompted the neighbors to call. The boyfriend decided to leave and stay the night at a buddy’s house.
We talked to the young woman for a while, went over the domestic violence pamphlets, and offered to phone on-call crisis support professionals. She declined.
Before we left, she said something I never forgot:
He makes me feel so bad about myself.
Narcissists live in fear of humiliation
There are many attributes to look for in a significant other, but we tend to focus on the superficial ones.
Namely, looks and money.
American culture is enamored with physical appearance, celebrity, and wealth. Thus, pretty Hollywood icons are trailed by armies of paparazzi.
Social influencers analyze fashion trends, celebrity relationships, and other superficial amusements. Boring stuff like depth of character gets short shrift.
Of course, the private lives of many Hollywood stars are far from idyllic. Look no further than the feud playing out in the courtroom between actor Johnny Depp and his former wife Amber Heard.
Cellphone videos played for the jury reveal slammed cabinets, verbal jousting, and the unraveling of a dysfunctional relationship. Celebrities may seem like they’re above the fray, but in reality, they struggle in relationships too.
In Hollywood and society, often the prettiest and most successful people are narcissists.
The late author and psychiatrist Gordon Livingston, in his book “How to Love,” wrote the following:
Unable to tolerate criticism, narcissists live in fear of humiliation. This causes them to be attuned to any hint of disapproval and they are prone to lash out when criticized. They manifest feelings of entitlement: The rules that apply to everyone else do not apply necessarily constrain them because of their sense of their own ‘specialness.’ In a traffic jam, they are the people in expensive cars passing on the shoulder. They are often preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, or beauty. They are, in a word, arrogant. They are also prepared to take advantage of others when it suits their needs.
What causes the selfishness we see more and more in society today?
We have seen a rise in selfishness
One would think that every high school kid would receive some kind of education focused on how to form and sustain a close relationship.
Yes, there is sex education, but little in the way of how to select a life partner. Thus, kids learn from their immediate families, friends, and media influences.
If you’re lucky enough to have two loving, well-adjusted parents, then you might be able to craft something similar in your own life. Unfortunately, many kids have dysfunctional parents or live in broken homes.
With at least half of all marriages ending in divorce, and the media feeding us misplaced priorities for relationships, it’s no wonder more and more people are becoming self-absorbed and selfish.
Consider the following line from Suzy Kassem’s book, “Rise Up and Salute the Sun: The Writings of Suzy Kassem”:
In the last 10 years, we have seen a rise in selfishness: selfies, self-absorbed people, superficiality, self-degradation, apathy, and self-destruction. So I challenge all of you to take initiative to change this programming. Instead of celebrating the ego, let’s flip the script and celebrate the heart. Let’s put the ego and celebrity culture to sleep, and awaken the conscience. This is the battle we must all fight together to win back our humanity. To save our future and our children.
In my twenty-six-year career in law enforcement, I witnessed countless dysfunctional relationships. They spanned all gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and socio-economic status.
Often the common denominator was self-centered people.
A lack of interest in the needs of others
In Gordon Livingston’s book “How to Love,” he shared the following observation:
Self-centered people frequently seem successful. Their ability to get others to conform to their opinions and satisfy their needs may appear to be a valuable life skill; over time these qualities are revealed as manipulative and a lack of interest in the needs of others becomes a highly unattractive trait.
If we are to find happiness in our relationships, it must begin with discernment. We need to look past superficial qualities like looks and money.
Cartoon by John P. Weiss
Two extremely important qualities to look for in a partner are kindness and empathy.
People may be on their best behavior in the early stages of a relationship, but be on the lookout for little clues. How does he treat the waiter in a restaurant? Does she cut vehicles off and yell at motorists in traffic? Is he looking at his cellphone or you?
Kind, empathetic people step outside themselves. They envision what it’s like to walk in the shoes of another. Money and looks are nice, but kindness and empathy in a partner are probably the best predictors of your future happiness.
The most important question to ask yourself in a relationship is this:
How does this person make me feel about myself?
I never forgot the young woman in her apartment, saying, “He makes me feel so bad about myself.”
My partner asked her, “Why do you stay?”
“Honestly, I don’t know,” she told us.
She deserved better, and so do you.
Yes, sometimes circumstances are complex and it’s not easy to free yourself from a dysfunctional relationship. But with planning, time, friends, and even professional support, it’s possible.
Look for kindness and empathy in a significant other. Ask yourself if the person you’re with makes you feel good about yourself.
Life is too short to remain unhappy.
