My (29M) wife (29F) has been having an affair for two years, and I’ve been aware of it almost the entire time.
We’ve been together for seven years, married for five. We don’t have children. I’ve been working from home since COVID hit. She has worked as a secretary in a huge office building for more than three years.
Now, I’m not going to pretend that our marriage was flawless two years ago and that I can’t believe she would do this. I was completely complacent in my life and was not putting much effort into our relationship at all. That doesn’t excuse what she did, and she struggled with intimacy and communication, which led us to where we were. I just want to make it obvious that I am not a saint in any of this. I completely understand that we were basically housemates who occasionally had sex.
I found out immediately away when the emotional affair began. I’ve logged everything into every device we own. This includes my work computer. I’m talking about synced email, text messages, photos, social networking, and so on. So I was basically reading about her affair on a regular basis, including when it turned physical around 4 weeks in.
The fact that I felt nothing about it, however, signaled the end of this. I was completely unconcerned, perhaps a bit humiliated at worst. When the physical affair began two years ago, I realized our marriage was over and that I should divorce, primarily because I felt nothing. I started looking into lawyers, thinking we could accomplish this easily and amicably.
Here’s where it gets insane. When the emotional affair began, she appeared less depressed. Then, the weekend after the physical affair began, I experienced the shock of my life. She came into my workplace on Saturday morning and asked me to take her for a trek and picnic. Initially, I believed this was the time to bust her bubble and share what I knew. But I didn’t; I determined to get up and do it. I assumed she was going to announce it herself and file for divorce. We had a wonderful day, and she never mentioned anything. I chalked it up to one more pleasant memory before we ended this affair. She then invited me out again that week. Then we experienced intimacy. I’m not sure if it was shame, guilt, or whatever, but she was essentially taking the effort to improve our marriage.
After the first week, she started to open up more about her feelings. For some reason, I felt compelled to make an effort in our relationship, reconnect with some old friends, and get all of the laundry off the gym equipment. The affair continued, but as we spent more time together in those early weeks, I became less concerned, and everything seemed to improve. I resolved to forget about it, divorce her, and simply live my life. I still have a strong affection for this woman.
Until two days ago, we were in a pretty good place. We went out every other weekend, had date nights on Thursdays, and maintained regular intimacy and communication. I don’t even read their messages anymore; I just check to see if anything is still going on.
Two days ago, I observed she was having frequent and lengthy discussions with one of her closest friends. I asked my wife about it, and it turns out that my friend’s husband was found having an affair. My wife has comforted her. This would not have been a big problem, but my wife then began berating her husband for straying. I’m not sure why I said that, but it came out as “You’re one to judge.” She became really defensive and pressed me on why I said that. I tried to apologize and move on, but she wouldn’t let up, and I eventually admitted that I had known about her affair all along. She attempted to play dumb, which irritated me, so I began mentioning specifics.
She then became enraged at me, began crying, and accused me of not caring about her. I became enraged and started yelling at her since I am not the one having an affair. When it grew hot, we retreated into separate rooms and slept it off.
Yesterday morning, she got up early and left for work before I did. I checked their messages again and saw that she had broken up with her affair partner. He was continually texting her on all apps, and she kept blocking him. She arrived home early yesterday. I started to talk to her, but she stopped me, looked at me, and said, “How could I let this happen?” I said, “Because I just didn’t care.” She then called me a big jerk and locked herself in our room till she left for work this morning. She returned home tonight, said nothing to me, and locked herself up again.
I can’t even imagine how I could be the jerk in this case. Is there any perspective out there where I am? I don’t think so.
