Doc,
How does one come to terms with the fact that there is no one on this planet that they are compatible with?
I know that’s a rather depressing outlook, but from my perspective it seems the only choice I’ve got is to seek an answer to that question in order to move on and accept the hand I’ve been dealt with in life.
I’m not going to pretend that you haven’t read this all before, either, as I’m yet another case of “on paper, ticks all the boxes”; a career-driven and physically healthy male with a heart of gold, perceived as charming by those around him, absolutely amazing with kids, and has no issues with talking with the opposite sex. I’m conventionally handsome, and even had a few people suggest my physical appearance is “intimidating” (I wouldn’t agree). Sure, it’s great I’ve got characteristics that allow me to live a relatively fulfilling life, but it all seems rather fruitless knowing that I have to go through it alone.
It’s like the universe has destined that I remain that way. I’ve done an awful lot of stuff in my time, and this has put me in contact with a whole range of people. However, it’s never been a demographic that would be suitable for me to date (which right now would be mid twenties to thirties). For instance, at the moment I do an arts class that is rife with middle aged, married women. The time before that was a hiking group, with a similar audience. There’s also been board games and music. I think the only time I was surrounded by the right crowd was at college, and I can confidently state no one showed an interest in me. I find it hard to reconcile with the “wasted” time of not being able to date back then (even seeing a picture of a young woman makes me feel like I “missed out”), and I find it despairing to know that I’m unlikely to meet someone going forward.Play Video
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So, nowadays I spend many a night (and day) ruminating on what “could be”. If I’m not meeting anyone at regular places, then it feels the only option is to cold approach, a concept that feels completely alien and unauthentic to me. I literally cannot imagine being at a bar and having a woman approach me for conversation or smiling at me from across the room, and I myself would never make the attempt. I never got a match on dating apps when I did use them. Yet, I’ll pop online, go to Reddit and I’ll see people talking about how they met their future spouse in a park, at a concert, on a hike, or even just bumping to them on the street. How on Earth does this even happen?
I don’t know. I’m just want a glimmer of understanding.
Stuck In Solitary
OK I understand this is hyperbole, but as with a lot of cases like yours, SIS, this has the feel of “joking but not really”. That is: the words are deliberately over the top but reflect what you actually think. This is why one of my first responses to letters like this is “really? You have polled all 3.95 billion women (or at least the 3.55 billion who statistically are most likely to be attracted to men) in the world and not one of them is compatible with you?
I also find it somewhat difficult to believe that someone with all the qualities you say you have – you’re conventionally good looking, charming, great with kids, etc. – and yet mysteriously Saturday night is the loneliest time of the week for no reason other than you and you alone have been fucked by the fickle finger of fate.
Now, I say this because, quite honestly, I think the actual problem is revealed the rest of your letter. You talk a lot about the “lack of appropriate demographics” in the activities you pursue, but not what other steps you’re taking to find that “appropriate demographic”. You also talk about how you can’t imagine women coming up to you, nor your ever going to talk to them in cold approach situations.
(I’m leaving the dating apps out of this because the nature of the beast makes it a separate issue entirely).
In other words… you’re not actually doing anything. Going by your letter, you seem to expect that the way things should work is that you show up and the universe provides you with a potential date with minimal effort on your part. Well… how’s that working out for you so far?
There are two things that are really in play here. The first is how you feel about yourself. A lot of times, the belief that other people don’t or couldn’t like you comes down to your being able to see and respect your own worth and value and using other people as the yard stick you measure it by. Much like the “how can I think I’m attractive if other people don’t confirm it for me”, this mindset just externalizes your locus of control. It puts your self worth in the hands of others and guarantees that you will never feel secure in yourself. How could you, when random strangers have the final say in who you are and how you should see yourself? It only takes one person not liking you to wipe out any sense of your own value.
The second is that meeting people takes work. It takes effort, drive and, importantly, self-direction. Those people posting on Reddit about how they met their partners at random places? It’s not that they just showed up and their partner leapt into their arms and off they went into connubial bliss. These were cold approach situations. They had to go up to a stranger, strike up a conversation and see what happened.
This wasn’t just fortune dropping someone in their lap and saying “here ya go, son”. There was work involved. They had to be an active participant – going to the event, spotting the person, either initiating the conversation themselves or keeping things going, vibing, flirting and connecting with them and eventually making the move to get a number or their WhatsApp or what-have-you. They didn’t look around, not see anyone in the immediate vicinity who looked good to them and welp, too bad how sad guess this place was a bust.
If you’re not willing to take the steps necessary to find somebody, ones that go beyond just “I’m here, now everybody form an orderly queue”, then there’s nothing else to say. If you were to go to Starbucks and a gorgeous 30 year old is waiting for her morning latte, are you going to actually say anything? Or are you just going to stand there, hoping beyond hope that your mutant powers will finally kick in and you’ll be able to will her into approaching you? Are you going to put in more than the token effort to actually meet people, or just wait because God provides eventually?
This is why I talk about how the key to being lucky is to put yourself into fortune’s path so you can take full advantage of the opportunities when they arise. A lot of luck comes down to making your own luck, taking situations and finding ways to make them work for you, even if it’s not immediately what you want.
Case in point: going to these classes or groups and not recognizing that sometimes what you need is to think a couple steps past what’s right in front of you. OK, so there’re married, middle-aged women here… do you think none of them know single women in their 30s? Do you think none of them have daughters, nieces, cousins? Do you not interact with them and exhibit some of that charm you say you have, charm that would make them think “you know, I should maybe tell Gabriella about this lovely man in my art class”?
Nor, for that matter, do you talk about trying to find where the 20-to-30somethings who would be most right for you are hanging out. Clearly they’re not in the classes or groups you’re going to… so why aren’t you looking for those places instead? And if you do, are you actually going to go talk to them? Or are you going to sit there and hope that one of them will approach you, so that you don’t have to try to talk to someone else first?
Trust me, I get the frustration of being single when you don’t want to be. But getting out of that particular hole requires actually trying to climb out, not complaining that there are no natural hand-holds or that people with ladders aren’t walking by to give you an assist. You’ve gotta be the first and primary resource for getting yourself out. Otherwise you’re going to be stuck in that hole for a long, long time.
To put it another way: you say you’re career driven. Ok… so does that mean you just put in the minimum amount of effort and wait for your bosses to just move you up the ladder like a pawn in chess? Or did you have to seek out opportunities, find areas to make yourself valuable at work, chase down promotions and raises? Do you truly not see how that also translates to your personal life?
If you’ve got the ambition and drive to be climbing the ladder of your career, you can apply that same ambition and drive to both your own self worth and to meeting other people. But to do either, you have to stop making yourself out to be a helpless naif and start putting the same skills that let you succeed in your career to work to succeed in your social life.
Yeah, it’s not always easy. Yeah, some people get the luck of the draw. That doesn’t mean that’s how it is for everyone or that this is the only way to do it. Sometimes you’ve gotta spit in your hands, grit your teeth and get ready to do the grunt work for a while until things pay off. And yes, sometimes it takes longer than you’d prefer. Sometimes you might decide you need to take a break from the grind. But not doing the work just means that you’re going to be waiting far, far longer, and the odds of success are much, much lower.
You’re the captain of your own life, SS. The question you need to answer is whether or not you’re actually going to steer it in the direction you want or just hope you get there before you sink.
