What do you do when differences occur in a relationship? Isn’t it inevitable that you’ll disagree at times? Here are some instances of what individuals get hung up on:
- My roommate is a slob; they leave dishes in the sink and clothes everywhere.
- My friend never phones me; instead, I always reach out to make contact.
- I can’t tolerate it when my partner spends money without following the budget we agreed on.
Some of these difficulties are material in nature, such as where you reside, what your bodily demands are, and how valuable your things are. Others are emotional, to put it broadly. What is your level of privacy and connection? What are your expectations for support? What are your religious views based on?
These can be divided into three categories: wants, needs, and values, albeit they overlap considerably. You can gain a better understanding of your compatibility by examining yours and how they compare to those of others.
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Wants vary quickly, making them the easiest to deal with while looking for shared solutions. One day you crave ice cream, the next a decent book. Wants come and go.
When you explore what lies beneath that want and what is driving it, you will be able to determine what you truly want from any given situation or decision. This method allows you to discover ways to satisfy your genuine desires and more easily match them with another person’s.
Many of the decisions and solutions you seek in your partnerships and friendships fall under this category and may be resolved with kindness and a desire to find paths that benefit both parties.
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Your needs are more essential, but identifying them might be difficult. Is having a dog something you want or need? Is having art in your life a necessity or a value? But one thing is certain: a need is something that your life would be incomplete without.
Beyond the very fundamental ones that we all share, such as food, water, and air, needs have the potential to change. They may be concerned with the material world, but they may also be emotional in character, and they may be so firmly ingrained in childhood or society that they feel wired in. Does this make them permanent, or is there a workaround?
Some examples of things people may believe they need:
- you feel a need to be taken care of
- you have a strong need to feel safe
- you feel the need for deeper conversations
- you feel the need for a physically active lifestyle
Finally, we discuss values. The word “value” can be used in a variety of ways. It could be an ethical principle such as the golden rule. It can also refer to what you value in terms of characteristics such as loyalty, praise, or freedom, rather than just monetary possessions. Values vary slowly, if at all. Wants and needs have underlying values, which drive your decisions and behaviors. They are ethical, moral, and spiritual.
Some of these values are so ingrained in who you are and how you wish to be that they influence everything you do and decide. They represent your essential ideals and how things should be in life. They influence how you feel and respond to others.
Core values are not beliefs; rather, they serve as the foundation for them. They influence how you behave, interact with people, and make decisions. They are the areas that best express who you are and what is truly meaningful to you in life.
Core values, like emotions, are felt rather than thought. It’s a deep sense that you have, and you need words to convey it. It is often difficult to discern basic values because they are tough to separate from so many other values that we inherit from family, acquire from friends, accept from society, or purchase into through advertising.
Because they are felt rather than thought, you have no idea what they are until you name them. They become evident when you feel and describe what is correct for you. Once you’ve articulated your basic principles, you can make better decisions based on them. Popular lists of fundamental values typically include one-word statements, but you may find phrases or sentences that better convey what yours are.
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A harmonious relationship requires that you have equal or complimentary core principles with another person; otherwise, you will constantly clash on matters that cannot be compromised.
People sometimes believe they get along because their desires appear to match — “We’re great together, we want the same things,” but if these similar wants do not reflect matching values, they will not be fulfilled since the values underlying them are truly different.
Wants can sometimes be satisfied by acknowledging a deeper want, but values are more difficult to change. You can gain a better understanding of your compatibility by examining yours and how they compare to those of others.
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Before you can determine whether your basic values are compatible with those of others, you must first identify them for yourself. You should spend time getting to know yourself and your basic principles. Many people have never considered them. They do not emerge fully formed as words, but rather as comforts or discomforts with the world, making them difficult to recognize. Naming them will help you bring them into focus, and being aware of them will help you determine what is most essential to you.
This requires introspection and distinguishing your values from the expectations of others you know and society as a whole. You must identify your deal-breakers and what characteristics must be present in order to be with someone with whom you may achieve true peace.
There are indications in the significant decisions you’ve made that have shaped your course through life. Look for the reasons you made those judgments. You’ll find your values there, those that you believe are fundamental to who you are and how you express yourself. These are your basic values, and they are at the heart of your existence in the world.
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Values are essential in all relationships. Family ties are more difficult than friendships and partnerships, but you can use much of what we’ve learned about partnerships to improve those relationships as well.
Look at your partner’s behaviors and words to determine what their values are. Whether you’re in an established relationship or looking to start one, your values must align.
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This is difficult to do in the early stages of meeting someone. In the beginning, the excitement of that initial connection takes precedence, and it takes time to see how your spouse reacts under different conditions. How do they deal with an accident or a job loss?
Take enough time to evaluate if what a person says in words is reflected in their deeds. There is often a significant gap between what individuals say and what they do. For example, he claims to care about the environment but litters everywhere, whilst she claims to love nature but only watches it on television. Pay attention to their acts, as these reveal their ideals.
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Another technique to evaluate your values with a spouse is to develop separate lists and then compare them together. If they don’t match, consider whether they are complementary or mutually exclusive. The answer to this question will provide crucial information about the prospects for your relationship, allowing you to make informed decisions. Why does it bother you if they share your ideals but express them differently? If it bothers you even when it does not contradict your core principles, search within yourself to figure out why.
When values are actually opposed or misaligned, the feeling can be intense. It does not only refer to a difference in speech, or even to spiritual or religious convictions. It is about the fundamentals of who you are and what you do.
If you’re in a long-term relationship, your underlying values are likely to align. If there has been a schism between you, review your values together and reaffirm them to each other. This will make it easier to understand each other’s behaviors in terms of the ideals they embody. You may be astonished by how much connection you feel after doing this!
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When you share essential principles with another individual, there is no need for disagreement. Finding joint solutions and tolerating differences that do not contradict your core principles can be a fertile ground for relationship development. Communicating as two persons on the same side might result in great moments of closeness and connection.
