Dating the same type of people feels like karma. You do everything right, yet you find out they have the same toxic pattern as your exes.
Each breakup leads us to new discoveries and fresh energy, but not for you. You are stuck in limbo, loving the same type of men who bring you nothing but tears.
This is groundhogging not karma. Most time we find ourselves loving the same people because we focus on what we want instead of what we need.
Women often go for men who command the room. Those who earn six figures and look pretty. But the problem is these sets of men bring drama into your life.
They are overly confident and do not want a committed relationship. However, women primarily date with the goal of commitment and having a family.
So when we meet these men who tick the boxes on the outside, they often lack the integrity and family orientation we are looking for.
We usually gravitate towards people who make us feel comfortable, and since most women don’t take the initiative to approach first, we resort to accepting those who approach us. As we get comfort around them, our feelings grow before we realize they aren’t the right ones for us.
Therefore, groundhogging is when you date the same people in different bodies and expect different results.
Our concern is not that we are always falling for the wrong people, but rather the psychological effects this dating pattern has on the brain.
Studies show that trauma occurs when an individual experiences a shock to their nervous system that is so overwhelming it changes the way their brain functions.
Our neurotransmitter which protects our brain from stress breaks down — the norepinephrine increases, while the cortisol drastically decreases.
To break it down further, below are some of the consequences of groundhogging and how to break this cycle.
When you are in a repeated circle of dating you feel betrayed after the breakup, which can result in PTSD.
In other words, betrayal trauma is the major consequences of groundhogging. Your brain and body move into a state of shock and disbelief. Especially, when you have invested too much of yourself into the relationship.
Anger and resentment build up and you lose trust in everyone. You regret the things you did with them and you think you deserve it for not doing some things you think you should have done.
But in hindsight, there was nothing you could have done to prevent the breakup. Some people are just not meant to be in our lives.
People who experience betrayal trauma often withdraw into their space as a coping mechanism.
They become emotionally detached in relationships to protect their hearts. Today, most men and women choose to stay single because they want to avoid emotional trauma if the relationship doesn’t work.
When the person we rely on for shelter, financial and emotional support, and safety violates our boundaries we create a bigger wall making it more difficult for the next prospect to connect with us.
Because love makes us vulnerable, we share everything with this person. You feel validated when they accept your flaws. But when the person breaks your heart you feel inadequate and worthless.
A traumatic breakup makes you think the worst of yourself. You question your morality and self-esteem. Regaining your self-esteem can be excruciatingly painful.
Some people adopt watching porn or taking drugs to cope with the overwhelming emotions of anxiety, depression and loneliness of a traumatic breakup.
As your body struggles to recover after a betrayal, you may experience short-term discomforts like headaches, indigestion, insomnia, and loss of appetite.
How can you put a stop to a dating rut?
We are creatures of habit. We crave routine and familiarity, even in situations where it might be better to think outside the box or challenge ourselves to try something new.
When you don’t take the time to reflect on your past relationships to know what worked and what failed and have no boundaries to prevent certain people from entering your life, you will most likely be drawn to the same type of people you are used to dating.
The first step to breaking out of a dating rut is self-awareness to realize that you may need to make some notable shifts in how you date.
Take time to review your relationship history and try dating mirror opposite of your exes. If you are dating emotionally unavailable people, try to understand why you are choosing people with an avoidance mindset that will not give you the commitment you seek.
Prioritize reacquainting yourself with your feelings and values. In addition to reflecting, consider what you think your “type” is and why. You may find that you are choosing the same type of people due to convenience or core patterns. Then try dating people outside your preference.
It may help to take a break from romantic dating altogether and focus on practising self-love, processing past relationship issues, and surrounding yourself with loved ones who know your worth and value to increase your confidence.
Because the energy we send out is powerful and magnetic. Our energy draws certain types of people to us and also sends certain other people away.
Your focus should be creating a life that’s full and joyful so you can attract the person you want to be with. When you become more intentional in the dating process, you stop choosing the “wrong” people who only waste your time.
